Not too long ago, my self-esteem was at an all-time low because I was frustrated with myself as well as questioning myself worth. I was in my fourth semester in college however I am nowhere near finishing. To make matters worse, I felt like I was not accomplishing anything due to going at a snail’s pace. On my 25th birthday, God decided to remind me that I still have a purpose in this world and that I still have a lot to give to it and its population. Six years ago, my music instructor had kicked me out of his Christmas choir (on the first day of practice) because I was, in his words, “not meeting his requirements when singing.” He had destroyed my self-confidence in singing and my dreams of becoming a worship leader. Even though I had been in youth music groups before, worship teams, and sometimes people would come up to my family and myself informing us that I had a nice voice. Sometimes in my spare time, I would sing every chance I could get. However, because of his actions my dreams of becoming a music instructor were dashed and the damage to my confidence in myself when singing in public.
That was the beginning of my troubles…
In my first and second semesters at college, I was failing in my classes (which didn’t help with my self-esteem), and what made it hurt even more was that Occupational Vocational Rehabilitation (OVR) agency that was supposed help/support people with autism had advised me to quit/drop out of college. I ignored the advice and continue my college career. I’m now getting A’s and B’s. When going so slow I felt like I was not accomplishing anything. It also felt like I was not going anywhere with the pace I was at, and I was angry at myself for not going faster in my classes and only taking one at a time.
I was a complete and utter mess; I allow my room to become a trash dump and always complain to anyone that I hate my room and I couldn’t do anything with it, but I wouldn’t attempt to clean it. I usually kept my room clean and tidy, but since I was feeling sorry for myself I procrastinated and make excuses.
In August things started to change. It started when I was at Hershey park with my sister and our friend. We were having a great time without responsibilities when we reached the place where people pay for karaoke and have it recorded, and they encouraged me to try it out and I agreed. I had selected a song called “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten, and I sang away. I almost cried when singing it because it felt good to sing with all my heart again, and the best part I didn’t care about the mistakes I made and what others thought of me.
But God wasn’t done. Before my birthday my family’s friends (our youth pastor and his wife) had come up from North Carolina to Pennsylvania on vacation. We made arrangements to meet up (which was on my birthday) at Shady Maple (mmm… Shady Maple), and we had a great visit. Unknowingly they had given me a message (including the small gift they gave) on what is God’s plans for my life and that He is always with me through the trials and tribulation which touched my soul, and they had encouraged me to continue with my life with a positive attitude and positive perspective on life.